Bitches Don't Know Bout My Power Level

Would you rather have a puppy? Or a baby? Let’s think about it logically.

Pros/cons of having babies:

I would say that the number one benefit of having a child is that having a child is like having your own personal servant. A personal servant that costs a lot and screams and yells and gets all angsty and goes through crazy ass emo phases or some shit. You’ll usually have to give your personal servant “the talk.” You know, the one about the birds and the bees (Who knows why birds and bees are fuckin’ each other anyway, I’m not a big fan of that interspecies shit). But you have to worry about your kid doing dumb shit during his/her life, which kinda ruins his/her value as a personal servant. I’d really rather not have a crack whore mow the lawn for me.

The worst thing about babies is that they cost so much money. They need food, and you need to buy them all this other shit so they’re happy and don’t turn you into child services. Also, it probably hurts giving birth. I cringe at the idea of kidney stones. I can’t imagine ejecting an 8-pound living thing out of you. Why can’t babies grow on trees like everything else (i.e. money, apples, etc)?

Pros/cons of having puppies:

Everything about having a puppy is great. They’re soft. Fun. They like to fetch things. This includes sticks, balls, slippers, newspapers, and if you train them enough, hot chicks. Yeah, scientific research shows that puppies get you laid. No joke. I plan on walking around with no less than 8 puppies with me at all times. I will have SO MUCH PUSSY that I won’t even know what to do with it. Do I like, donate it to the homeless? Will it count as a tax write-off if I do? Fuck it I don’t know, but I can’t even use up all this pussy by myself goddamn. That’s how much vag I’ll be getting. I will have more pussy than Bill Gates has money. Literally. I will have TOO much pussy, to the extent that I would have control over the world pussy supply.

Puppies are also inexpensive. They cost like what, $1000 to buy? Making a baby costs SO MUCH MORE (pumping drinks into some girl, taking her out to dinner, buying her a ring, etc etc). Feeding a puppy costs very little too. I’m pretty sure whatever the fuck Kibbles N Bits are is a shitload cheaper than whatever the fuck babies eat. I’m guessing bugs and applesauce. But then they grow up and want actual food. Ugh. Such a pain.

Also, you can pet puppies. You can’t pet babies because their heads aren’t developed and you’ll like, destroy their brains or some shit. That’s what I heard.

Drunk ass babies.

Hell yeah babies are drunk. You ever see a toddler? Wasted as shit. You don’t think they’re drunk? What the hell is wrong with your broke ass? I know this is some downright deep ass philosophical intellectual shit, so allow me to prove myself…

Think about the last time you were drunk (20 minutes ago). Think about the last time you were a baby (20 years ago). Do you remember anything from when you were drunk as shit? Well, if you were getting drunk CORRECTLY LIKE A NORMAL MOTHERFUCKER, your answer should be a resounding fuck no. Do you remember anything from when you were a baby? Well, if you were a regular ass baby and not made in some fucking government fuck lab or some shit, then again, your answer should be no.

If that argument doesn’t convince you fuckers, let me continue with some more mind blowing shit.

Guess what else babies and drunk motherfuckers can’t do. Walk. Drunk people can’t walk for shit. They can try, but when they do so they end up stumbling all over the goddamn place, bumping into homeless people, running into cars, falling into garbage cans, having children by accident. Babies can’t walk for shit either. One time I went up to a baby and I told him “yo baby, if you can walk I’ll give you a million fucking dollars or some shit” and the baby was like “dude I can’t fuckin’ walk and what the fuck am I going to do with a million fuck dollars I’m a goddamn baby what the fuck is wrong with you?”

And when a baby actually DOES walk, fuckin’ the entire world is like all happy as shit, bitches are takin’ pictures and stuff, some other creepy motherfucker is sitting in the corner recording that shit on video so they can upload it to Youtube under some gay ass title like “baby’s first steps” or some shit. When drunk people actually walk successfully, people start to fuckin’ clap or some shit like you just got elected to Congress, other people be takin’ pictures and recording shit on video so they can upload it to Youtube under some dumb ass title like “check out this hammered motherfucker walk into a bus” or some shit.  

And fuck yeah the video of the drunk dude is gunna get a shit load more views then some dumb baby doin’ shit that pretty much everyone in the goddamn world does on a daily basis already.

I walk all the goddamn time you don’t see people celebrating about that shit. Seriously I don’t know why parents bother uploading shit about their babies on Youtube. Who the fuck is going to watch it? Fuckin’ grandparents? They don’t even have computers so how the fuck do they know what the internet is? They probably still use typewriters or some shit, and their phones are fuckin’ two cups attached by string. They don’t even get ANY BARS. That’s how shitty that service is.

I will admit though…the one difference between babies and drunk people is that drunk people can play beer pong. One time I tried playing a baby in beer pong. It was a fuckin’ massacre. The baby couldn’t even throw the goddamn ball to my side of the table. He SUCKED. I was like, “dude you fuckin’ suck” and the baby was like “dude I’m like 5 weeks old chill the fuck out I don’t have that sort of motor skills yet you fuckin’ punk bitch.”

True story bro.

Rage.

Man, one time I was at a party chillin’ ‘n shit, getting my goddamn drink on. Then this broke ass scrawny nerdy Harvard motherfucker was all givin’ my Russian brother from another mother some downright bullshit. But us communists gotta stick together, so I wasn’t havin’ any of that shit.

But I didn’t want there to be no trouble in Dodge City so I just told him to relax his broke ass. Then the bitch had the BALLS to get all up in MY face now?

Man, his bitch ass was trippin’.

This scrawny ass glasses-wearin’ motherfucker was tryin’ to start a fight. Can you believe that shit?

Let me tell you something ‘bout me man. I was the baddest motherfucker on the playground back in the day. I was pushin’ fuckers off slides and stealin’ swing sets from bitches EVERY GODDAMN DAY. Some kids would go up to me and be like “can I use the swing set please” and I would be like “FUCK NO.”

And I threw rocks at people. That’s how bitchin’ I was. Fuckin’ rocks. Then one time I fell 10 feet while climbing some shit and I just got the fuck back up and my teacher was all like “oh shit do you need to go to the nurse” and I was all like “BITCH I AIN’T NO JOKE.”

And another time this punk tried to steal my goddamn cookies and milk money. So I punched the motherfucker in his FACE.

STREET JUSTICE BITCHES.

Whatever happened to street justice? Now we got rules ‘n shit that say you can’t punch someone in the face. We need some rules to change man. And there’s only one way I can think of to make that change happen…

I gotta run for fuckin’ president or some shit.

Birthdays.

Man, remember when them shits was about fuckin’ cakes and goddamn presents wrapped in rainbow ass colored paper? When it was about having all your friends play pin the tail on the donkey or do some other downright gay ass trivial shit?

Remember when it was your 11th birthday and your parents put eleven candles in your cake plus one for “good luck” or whatever, and you were all like “bitch I ain’t twelve get yo’ shit straight?” Bitches can’t count right.

Then they told you to blow your candles out and make a wish. And you wished for a billion dollars. Then you waited for some motherfucker to come through the door with some serious cash bills. But no one did. So you were confused as shit?

I remember that.

Now birthdays are all about getting shitty with people that you like to get shitty with. It’s about taking shots of some obscure crazy ass shit from Germany or some shit that smells like nailpolish and tastes like gasoline. Or maybe it smells like gasoline and tastes like nailpolish…

But fuck that noise you drink that shit straight up for breakfast lunch and dinner.

And it’s about bitches givin’ you shit about being old because you’re gunna die quicker or some shit? They’re all like “haha you’re 22 and I’m only 21 you’re going to die a year before me roflmao”

I’m excited to be turning 22 soon. I don’t gotta deal with cakes or wishes that don’t work or dumb ass party hats and balloons or that downright gay ass trivial shit. I get to sit down with some R&R and get my drink on. It’s basically what I do every goddamn day, except on my birthday I feel like less of an alcoholic.

It’s straight up dawg time.